Friday Funnies – From The Emailbag

This one dropped onto my work email today


White-tailed deer in Toronto, Canada
White-tailed deer in Toronto, Canada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


Lesson from an Educated Farmer




Why we shoot deer in the wild.


(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)


I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.


I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.


I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up – 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.


The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.


The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.


That deer EXPLODED.


The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer– No Chance.


That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as
many other animals.


A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.


I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.


Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before-hand….kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.


Did you know that deer bite?


They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when …… I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.


Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head–almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.


The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.


It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.


That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.


Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp … I learned a long time ago that, when an animal – like a horse – strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.


This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.


I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.


Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down..


Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.


I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope……to sort of even the odds!!


All these events are true so help me God…


An Educated Farmer


Author: John

I enjoy travel, sports, music (a dedicated site at and anything else that jumps up at me for the moment, which is why I blog. There will be lots of travel posts, pictures and our videos as well as a smattering of sports and humour. I enjoy promoting Canada and am unabashedly a proud Albertan

19 thoughts on “Friday Funnies – From The Emailbag”

  1. I’m not sure if I should have pressed like. I actually didn’t like reading this but I did anyway. I abhor cruelty to animals in any and every fashion including eating them. I have to say my first thought is that I’m glad the deer hurt this person who would say “screamed like a woman”. I am saddened to tears by people who kill beautiful creatures.

    1. I hear you. Not a hunter type myself. Don’t view this as an endorsement if cruelty in any way. Frankly I don’t believe it is even true. I took it as an interesting story where the animal won.

  2. dug this.
    Too damned funny.
    Have to say that in Michigan (where I lived with ex-husband #2 hunter guy) it is illegal to bait deer, i.e. the ‘corn’ in a feeder.
    Also, I am so fucking sick of venison, elk, bear (he went hunting in Canada) and the smell of oven baked squirrel (which I refused to partake in) that it will be a hot day in Nunavut before feasting on one again.
    May your friend give the deer a fair chance (with a shotgun natch) and never hunger 😉

  3. I never thought the deer would lose … the reason that people use rifles is because animals (even humans) are not very friendly creatures. If you appear to be a threat most animals are happy to kill you and let your god figure out whether you’ve been naughty or nice. Every mammal on this planet (except perhaps the tree sloth) is well prepared to defend itself. Pretending a wild animal is like one of the docile pets at the petting zoo is a sure recipe for a trip to the hospital or worse. I’ve had the good fortune to survive walking up on an opossum and a large raccoon without losing anything more than my dignity. both of those creatures are simply aliens with mammal camouflage. I do mean aliens, like the movie. If you’ve never seen the bared teeth of either, I recommend you count yourself lucky and stick to watching nature films. I believe that moments like that were the seminal point of invention for the phrase “holy shit!”

    We’ve all seen people that look like they’ve seen a ghost. Well, I’m here to tell you that such a look is mere child’s play compared to staring at the bare teeth of a wild raccoon who is looking very trapped and you’re blocking the only exit. Is it scary? depends …. would have been useful.

    When I read the premise of that story I knew the story would end at the emergency room LOLOLOLOL

    1. My experiences with the wild is pretty varied. The most insane was a black bear destroying our tent. This happened many years ago on an island in Lac La Ronge, Saskatchewan. Appropriately, it was on Bear Island. Lori had been in the tent not 5 minutes prior to it coming in to investigate the contents.

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